I watched again. I watched as the sun went down.
And even knowing better, I let it happen.
I let it happen again.
Like every soiled mattress.
Caked in whatever your god finds precious.
Like every torn fiber.
By means both lovely and heinous.
Every mother’s eyes close for the last time.
- I watched. And I did nothing about it.
My only enemy is memory.
It’s the only thing that won’t let me pass, especially not in peace.
I’ve never planted a seed, and I’ve never turned soil.
Never fallen in or out of love.
But I make things grow, and I make them decay.
And I make them die.
Passively, I’ve made your bones become firm and strong, and I’ve let your stomach break down every lollipop, every small but balanced lunch, every laboriously cooked meal that your mother thought would somehow prove her worth to your selfish and mean-spirited father.
I am why soon-
Those bones I built for you will begin to ache.
Why that cartilage I’d sewn so delicately for you will erode.
I am why — one day — you won’t be able to wipe your own ass.
And so everyone you love will grow to resent you for being a burden.
I have seen the oceans froth with acid, watched them settle, and then watched them nurture the beginnings of life.
Much the same as every other mother I have watched.
And now I’m watching those oceans rise to swallow you.
I am what causes the little bacteria to excite and then to calm again, so you can forget that the rest of the world is following my lead: watching you suffer and doing nothing.
So are you.
I watch as friendships fall apart.
I wait and observe while lovers lie and break each others’ hearts.
I watch their fears boil up until they forget how warm they were without that heat of resentment.
No one can stop me, and I cannot stop anything.
I pray only that you can make me better.
I don’t want to hurt you anymore.
I should not be — was never meant to be — such a painful thing.
I should not bring tears to your eyes.
I’ve watched it all, for I’ve caused it all.
And I can never stop.
Let me not regret what I have done.
When you remember, please remember fondly.